The beginning.

I'm not going to lie,I have absolutely no idea where this blog is gonna go? I'm sure it'll be a no holds bar,anything and everything blog,I just hope someone is able to understand my craziness!

I guess i'll start with an "about me" blog,not sure how far back I want to take this? Childhood,teenage years,marriage,kids?? I guess i'll start at the beginning,as boring and depressing as that is.

I was born in New Jersey, second child to my parents Bonnie and Greg. Fourth daughter of my mom and third of my dad. I know! they were busy before they met each other. I spent 6 months in New Jersey/Philadelphia before they moved to Hawaii,where I was raised.

My early years were fun,at the same time,stressful,frightening,embarrassing and confusing. Home life was always unstable. Mom was never happy,always stressed and pissed off. Dad was to busy working or doing his own thing to worry about us. We spent most of my childhood homeless,living in tents on the beach or sleeping in our van. We also spent months at a time living with relatives.

School started to get difficult to attend,we lived on the beach for most of my elementary years. Needless to say,I was ALWAYS afraid someone would find out. One day dad heard about a school shooting that happened,we were home schooled that day. Now,i'm all for home schooling IF you're capable of doing it. My parents were NOT capable of teaching us,not because they weren't smart enough,they just had to much on their plates to worry about teaching 2 kids. So,my sister and I taught ourselves. My precious sister,13 years old trying to teach her 11 year old sister what ever she knew. We did our best,but it became to much so we both dropped out.

I should tell you that the same time we dropped out  my parents were on drugs and we had 0 parental guidance. We spent most of that time hanging out with friends,smoking,going to parties,hanging out with people we had NO business being with. Our whole childhood was spent doing what ever we wanted,so dropping out instead of enrolling in public school seemed like the only thing we could/wanted to do. Do I regret it? WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING! I wish to God I had someone there telling me to fight through the fear of going back into public school,but I had no one.

My teenage years were much like my childhood,with one exception, my mom wasn't there for most of it. When I was 12 she decided to run away to Texas with my dads brother. Things were so horrible then,my poor dad was in shock. He cleaned up though,got a good job and provided for us the best he could. We became closer as a family,4 daughters he hardly talked to years before were the light of his life.  There were months at a time where we wouldn't talk to mom,she'd call or visit only when she needed food and a hot shower. She was so doped on drugs then,it's a wonder she's still alive.

Things started to get better, we excepted that mom wasn't around and wasn't surprised by her antics anymore. Home life was more stable,we were still struggling with money,but managed to spend years in one home.

 I started to become increasingly depressed as the years passed by. My weight had always been a problem and I hated the way I looked. Boys meant EVERYTHING to me,I needed them to like me and if they didn't I wanted to die. I had no sense of SELF,my happiness always came from someone else or something else. I strayed down a few dark roads during those years,depression,suicide it was common place in my life.

I decided one day,after my second boyfriend left me,that I needed to loose weight. I thought if I could get skinny,he'd want to be with me again.How sad that the,then biggest decision of my life was for a boy. I did it though,after 7 months of excessive dieting and working out I lost 60 ibs and was down to the lowest weight of my life. I was finally the girl I thought men wanted,I thought,FINALLY someone will love me. That wasn't the case! I went through relationship after relationship (never getting back with the guy I lost the weight for),one after the other they would drop me like a hat. To afraid of commitment,I was to clingy,they wanted time with their friends. It started to break me,I thought, what am I doing wrong?! I'm skinny,i'm nice,I'm pretty what else do they want?! I went through another bad phase after that. I dated a lot of horrible men,I was being used for sex and quite frankly I didn't care. I had no self esteem,no self love,I was empty.  I drank,A LOT. Partying was a part of my everyday life. I'd meet up with some guys,buy a ton of booze and drink the night away. I can't tell you how many times I woke up confused after a black out.

One day 5 years ago,a guy messaged me on Myspace. I thought he was like the other guys who would try to hook up with me. I didn't take him serious,I was intent on him being nothing more then a friend. I was then dating (openly) a guy who made it clear that he never liked me and in fact, tried to pawn me off on one of his friends. That was when I realized the guy who I only wanted a friendship with, was the guy who would NEVER treat me the way every other guys had in the past. He was different,he didn't mind that I was clingy,in fact he liked it! He wanted to spend as much time with me as I did with him. It was weird,it was wonderful! He allowed me to be myself,he didn't run away when I acted like an idiot,he stayed,he actually stayed.

He asked me to marry him a month after we started dating. I wasn't afraid,I knew we had something different,something I wanted to last forever. A month later October 2nd 2006 we were married. It wasn't easy the first year,not because we didn't know each other or because we "rushed" into marriage. Money was tight,the Army messed up Donnie's pay and we were struggling the whole time. Honestly,it was a great thing to go through,having to deal with hard times early on prepared us for everything that we're going though now.

In 2007 I found out I was pregnant,we were excited! Everything was going great,or so we thought. We went in for our first check up and found out the embryo hadn't attached and there was nothing there. Donnie took it hard,I knew something was wrong so has hard as it was,it didn't surprise me.

We decided then that what ever happened,happened. We didn't get back on BC or use condoms,if we were supposed to get pregnant again,we would. And we did. A few months later I was pregnant again and this time everything went perfect. It was around this time that Donnie was deployed. It was the hardest thing i've ever had to go through,luckily I had my wonderful family there to help me. Even mom,was there when I had Nathan. She's done a complete 180 and has since become one of the people I love the most.

Anyway,Nathan was born on May 23rd 2008,such a fat baby!! what a cutie he was. It was a HARD labor though,well okay,the actual labor wasn't to bad. Contractions to me aren't as bad as most women say they are. They were more annoying then anything. The hard part was after I got to 10 cm they found out Nathan was breach and I was rushed into the operating room. I felt EVERYTHING,it was the worst experience! In the end it was worth it.

Donnie came home after 15 months in the sandbox. Things were AMAZING! he looked so handsome and fit,we couldn't keep our hands off each other and before we knew it I was pregnant again! November 16th 2009 Nicholas was born. Completely opposite of his brother,he was a tiny little thing! but so precious,he was the baby I never knew I always wanted. I thought I was happy with one,I wanted to work on loosing weight and getting back in shape,obviously getting pregnant again changed that,but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Donnie spent another 5 months in the Army,his knee injury was the deciding factor of him getting out. We moved to Alabama where we are now. Things have been HARD,we've never been in such a rough situation before,but we're trying. Donnie is,as always working his butt off to make our lives easier and me,once a depressed,boy crazy,party girl is now a stay at home mom and wife,who is pregnant with baby BOY number 3 Nolan Kona. I never imagined in a million years,that i'd be where I am today. I'm so happy with the family I have,I definitely wish we were back in Hawaii,but I know we'll go back one day.

I also know that one day i'll get my GED,the one thing I know I owe myself to get. I want and deserve to be someone amazing. I owe it to my kids to be super women,and I know I can do it,no matter how hard it seems. If my sister could get her GED and start college, I know I can and I will.

So that about sums up my life,I left out a few more personal details,but for the most part it's all there. Hopefully this blog is the start of something good.